Goodness gracious me...I didn't realize it, and the application deadlines have suddenly crept up on me, dark, menacing shadows, tantalizingly alluring because of what they have to offer.

Engineering? Why engineering? Now, I can't very well say that I would like to apply for an engineering course because my father wants me to be an engineer, beause he had wanted to be an engineer but his parents wanted him to become a doctor, and being the model son, he paid obeisance to his parents, while his younger brother was more rebellious and went on to become an engineer (Ooh yes! My idea of rebellion- one year of physics at Stephens becasue you couldn't clear IIT-JEE in the first go, then going on to study textile engineering at IIT Delhi, and playing basketball for the IIT team (IIT has sports- surprise!surprise!- what's more they even have a humanities/social sciences department, though I suspect they're defunct :p)). Nor can I say that well I am applying for engineering courses because my faher thinks that career in engineering (or for that matter medicine) is a short-track road to the money. Yeah, baby, show me the money. Isn't money exactly what I always crave? All right, even if I accept Aarohi's argument that I look uopn materialistic people with disdain because I've grown up practically in the lap of luxury and can afford to be condescending towards those to whom money means everything.

I don't want to study merely to gain an employable degree, I want to study to gain knowledge, and to (ah, darn the cliche!) broaden my horizons.

Now, coming to why the applications overwhelm me:

a) I'm afraid I'm aiming higher than my worth

b) I'm applying for financial aid, which basically brings my chances at non-needblind places down to ZERO!

c) I'm afraid that the recommendations my teachers have written for me make me sound like a very ordinary student, the kind that teachers don't actually care for, or would care to remember

d) The magnitude of the implications, my dear, the sheer magnitude!

I suppose it is the realization of the magnitude of difference made by a great application vs. an ordinary (or merely good) application that scares me.

I am not taking any external help, just attempting to play the field on my own, and I'm afraid that is a huge risk!

I had my MIT interview a couple of weeks ago (they have interviews for all the candidates that apply), and, expectedly, it did not go well. The interviewer, this bigshot in a pseudo-Victorian office, asks me- 'What makes you special?' for a moment there, I felt like replying, if I knew what made me special, I would have more self-confidence and would be more self-assured. However, that is of course not the best way to, ahem, 'market' yourself. That is what you're supposed to, and expected to, do- market yourself as a different, intellectual, passionate commodity (if commodities can be passionate). Isn't that just  the very thing that I would be comfortable doing?

I think I just mumbled some answer which in all likelihood was neither sensible nor adequate. I say, in all likelihood, because frankly I have NO recollection of what I had said.

The recommendations scare me, because I'm afraid none of them sound like they come from the heart and they all make me sound very mediocre. No teacher has given personal instances, or any anecdotes of any sort which could make the recommendations more personal.

Stanford, obviously, I won't be able to do anything for, because the deadline is well day after tomorrow, but for the other universities and colleges, I need to have some brainstorming sessions and arrive at something outstanding. I do NOT want inconsiderate teachers to ruin my chances- I do NOT want them to bring everything I have done over all these years go to waste- and I hope that because some people have their results fudged, and I have more integrity than to allow for such a thing, I don't stand at a disadvantage.

I should hope not, dude!

Oh, did I mention how much some of the essay topics make me THINK? I mean, true, I have been writing for years now, and I have learnt to deal with topics that are obscure/vague/plain weird. However, the realization of the sheer magnitude of the possible consequences of the application essays overwhelms me. what are the competition essays for- a trophy, some money, a certificate? The really important competitions, such as the Commonwealth competition, I usually don't do very well in, since well, as usual, I think too much over them. My diary entries are often more interesting because they're more passionate, more natural- not quite so forced.

Ah well...all's well that ends well, I suppose. Therefore, i his does end well for me, that would be good. Else, well, what if I land up in Shaheed Bhagat singh College, evening shift? Okay, no. I won't. I know it. I am better than that. Of course I am.

Shruti- get a grip. Believe in yourself, please!

 

Looking at you, I’m thinking-

Thinking about how this could’ve been

Thinking about how it could’ve been me,

Right there, always, by your side.

But it isn’t, because you chose it to be so,

You chose her, not me.

Loved her, not me.

I still cry myself to sleep, still think of you,

Pine for you.

I sound like a melodramatic fool,

Looking for what is not.

But if you’d stop to think, it need not be this way.

I’m called a fool, a fool in many’s eyes,

To desire someone who desire’s me not,

Yet you are all I want, for their jeers care not.

Won’t you have, have me for once?

Let me sound like a clichéd idiot,

But you’ll make me complete,

Fill this gaping lacuna, this enormous gash,

That threatens to tear my soul apart.

Trying to keep up pretences,

And never quite succeeding.

It is not for me to smile when I’m crying,

Not for me to be calm when I’m angry.

I am everything that you see,

I hold back nothing, for I have nothing to hide.